JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
