you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My vagina is officially offended.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
