I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
