I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
