shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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