If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
