she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
