nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
