woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
