i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
