I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
