I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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