did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
