we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
