I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
