so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am one with the molecules
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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