Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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