I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
her vagine was all disorganized.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You dont lie about slip and slides
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
