I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
