I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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