just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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