just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
