Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
