It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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