I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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