I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
