the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
