I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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