I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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