Me. At least after what I've been through.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
