The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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