I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
