Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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