fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
tell me about the fingering
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