Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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