Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
