Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
