I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
