nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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