sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
