I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
