saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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