Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
