your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
