someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
