Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
