I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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