Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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