Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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