Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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