I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
