he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
